Wednesday, April 05, 2006
this cant wait... or more like i cant. i tried to be patient, but i'm just not.
this is my space, this is my choice.
i chose to release here. there isnt a better place.
this cant wait... i dont want to make the wrong move again.
misunderstanding breeds distrust.
what i want... convince me that i'm wrong.
what i hoped for... assurance.
this battle, i shouldnt have continued, or was my decision right?
my bad, i cant accept myself.
if you're thinking of using my reason as your excuse, just get lost. i feel bad enough.
i hate to loose my belongings.
i hate intruders.
everything gets messed up.
well, i lost a pencil, but thats not the main point.
i treasure what's mine, and obviously i'm upset if its lost.
when you want it, its not there.
when you need it, its no where to be found.
the little joy in seeing it there, is gone.
I love every bit of things which belongs to me, even the little bit of creativity which has depleted tremendously here and there. as long as its in good condition, i'm fine.
all this while, i'm plainly making life miserable for myself.
i'm just in a desperate attempt to prove to myself, what i'm doing is right.
in an attempt to understand me, my true reason for my actions, trying to overcome the obstacle i built for myself
i just despise, even if its just a mere thought, of me being made used of.
me being there, just so others can use when they need.
otherwise just thrown aside, ignored, unknown to all.
after so long, the moodiness, letting everything just affect me, causing everyone around to be upset, i thought i got enough of all that. ENOUGH of my nonsense. i couldnt get rid of it still.
maybe i could learn from others. a different front.
however genuine happiness doesnt evolve from there. only sometimes.
things went on to a higher level, testing my every cell.
life is just so miserable.
i received no reply, and assumed the answer.
24/7 skeptical of every bit of it. i dont trust myself. i dont believe myself.
WHY am i blaming myself?
haha. but its my fault.
this sucks. i'm a loser at everything.
just think back, i have accomplished shit.
in studies, i lose.
ccas, there's none to start with.
everything else... i got nothing.
winning may not be everything, but i'm sure occasional ones can boost me some of the confidence i need so badly.
the choices i made, just makes me feel stupid. head to toe.
and i cant help but do them over and over again,
with hope, for them.
wait? i will. i cant even sleep without an answer first. or a reason why you never appear. cos i'm still waiting. am i not dumb? ok. i'm not. this is dont mind.
but, is it fair that you dont even explain, and cause patience to just go to waste?
its no one's fault. its never delibrate.
simply just, i am forgotten. time and time again.
the sadness i feel at the end of each day, increases over time.
but i'm not allowed for a little outburst.
i've lost hope.
if you can allow one thing to affect another, WHY cant i?
WE are all selfish people.
i dont mind a physical battle, enough of mental tortures.
i admire those in hospitals, lying in their beds, preferably in coma.
Never had i been so afraid of myself.
Perhaps, i didnt start off with that much effort? just trying.
with the other one slowly letting loose..
haha. nothing's a breeze.
i need a memory loss. or just a major head concussion.
goodness... more than 1h for this.
Posted at 19:04
